not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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