Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
