I'd wear matching sweaters with you
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
