The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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