There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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