I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
