I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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