You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
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That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
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I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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