Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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