you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
