Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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