Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
