I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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