My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
