I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
a search helicopter?!
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
