im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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