wake up i wanna do it froggy style
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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