Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
