First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
