i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Randomize
