Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
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The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
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You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...