Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.