I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
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Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
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I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU