He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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