She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
