I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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