ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
