I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
