currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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