i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?