my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.