he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
