I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
