you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
