Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
