Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
