I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
