Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
they're like a gay fantastic four
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
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