Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
