I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I will die if light touches me.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
