oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
