"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
It can also be a hat.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.