She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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