just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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