my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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