as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
