you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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