Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
