Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
