just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
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No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
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I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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