im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
