OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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