i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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