NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
